Father’s day is this weekend. Today I was wondering how Ryan felt about it, if he felt sad at all. Mother’s Day was really hard for me- especially since I was the only one at brunch that was not a mother. I wasn’t even pregnant anymore. We were supposed to tell our good news that day. Mother’s Day sucked for me. I just wonder if Ryan thinks about Father’s Day in the same way. Probably not, guys don’t really think about things like that, but I just wonder…
I’m sure most people don’t think about what we’ve gone through on a daily basis, and I’m sure its ancient history to most. For the most part, my life has moved on. But I think about it all the time. Everyday. Not a day goes by that something reminds me that I was going to be a momma the end of this year and it makes me sad. I hate the sadness that I feel and how my heart feels heavy and my throat starts to close up. I know this is kind of a yucky topic to be writing about on my blog, but its on my mind all the time. And this is my place to rant. And vent. And get out my feelings. So, don’t feel obligated to leave a comment. I’m not looking for attention. I just need to sort out my feelings.
Everytime I see a "trashy" person with their four or five babies (can you tell I was at Kids Day in Skanko Jackson today), I can’t help but wonder- "Does God really think that they’ll make better parents than Ryan and I?" Why did God decide that we shouldn’t have our baby, but lose it? I wish I could ask God that. What is His plan? I know I just need to trust him and let him play out his cards for me, but it hurts to think that maybe I’m not good enough to be a mom right now. Maybe I need to be on welfare or not have wasted my time going to college or live in an abusive home or work a dead end job. What gives?
Nevertheless, this weekend won’t go by without me remembering that my husband would have been a father-to-be, but instead my thoughts of it will be silently pushed to the back of my mind. I pray so hard that we will be blessed soon and next year we will be able to be included.
I have been reading the book "The Purpose Driven Life" and it has made me really think about things that we have been going through lately. There is a poem in there by Russell Kelfer, and part of it really speaks to me:
No, that trauma you faced was not easy.
and God wept that it hurt you so;
But it was allowed to shape your heart
So that in his likeness you’d grow.
I have always believed that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger… and whatever trials and trauma you go through are Gods way of making you stronger and helping you trust Him more.
Another part in the book that I love, and that helps me through this is this:
Jeremiah 29:11 "I know what I am planning for you… ‘I have good plans for you, not plans to hurt you. I will give you hope and a good future.’"
I hope that is true. I just need to keep the faith.
nicolebarczak.com 
Girl, I can’t even begin to imagine what you must be going through. I know it’s hard to believe that things will happen in their own time, but they will. I’m a firm believe that everything happens for a reason. With any luck, maybe we’ll end up pregnant at the same time? That would be cool! I’ll be thinking about you this weekend! (((HUGS!!!)))
Nicole,
A very powerful topic and my heart goes out to you and your husband. Keep your head up (as difficult as it may be) and have faith that in time you will be able to start your beautiful family. Lots of > (from a fellow scrap jazzer who loves your work).
Nic, What an inspiring message. I am praying for you constantly, for your healing. Did you notice that the verse Jeremiah 29:11 is the same one that I wrote in your graduation card? There are no coincidences, only “God-incidences”. God speaks to us all of the time. We have to learn to see and to listen. You will be an awesome Mom soon. With much love and admiration, Aunt Linda