Since becoming a parent, I realized that, as much as having
your own child “bonds” you forever to other parents by that single common factor, it also makes being around parents whose views differ from yours that much harder. I’ve noticed in the past year so many things
that make each individual parent different, which is great that there are so
many variables, but the single common factor that brings you together also
seems to be the single common factor that sets you apart.
I have many friends and many family members and many
acquaintances (both work and personal life) that have children. I have seen a wide spectrum of parenting
personalities from the “Its My Way or the Highway”
child- isn’t- allowed- to- speak- their- thoughts- or- opinions- or- they’re- in- trouble
parents to the laid-back “I Don’t Have The Energy To Discipline”
its- not- misbehaving- if- they- don’t- think- I- saw- them- misbehaving- is- it? parents
to the “Over Protective”
my- child- is- extra- special- because- of- this- and- this – and- this – and- that’s- why- I’m- so- anal
parents.
I have tried to take a little here and there from each type
of parent I know and encounter. I know
my “parenting” overflows from my relationship with Porter to my relationship
with the girls I babysit.
I try to be consistent and firm without being
over-constricting, however once I say no or ask him to do something, it had
better be followed through with even if it means me physically helping him
complete a task. I try to follow
through with things I tell him, such as “I’ve already told you to sit on your
bottom on the couch. If I have to tell
you again, you are going to have to get off the couch.” (And, if he stands up
again, he’s taken off the couch).
I try to give choices instead of ordering.
More specifically with the girls, since Porter is still a
few months away from comprehending the whole “expectations” thing…. I’ve always
tried to lay out my expectations ahead of time so they know what to expect…
such as when we’d go to a park or play place, we went over the rules in the car
before getting out… “When its time to leave, we say goodbye to the friends we
meet and we leave, ok?” or when we’d go to Ceaserland or McD’s- “The rule is
that we sit and eat first then we can go play, and if you can’t follow those
rules, we’ll leave without playing.”
I have never really worried about dirt and germs with
Porter… a little dirt and grime and scum won’t kill him…. builds the immune
system, right?
I try to pick and choose my battles… so many parents battle
over EVERYTHING (consequently, many parents battle over NOTHING) and it’s not
always worth it. The nit-picky battles not only
wear on your child, but on you also (and people around you).
I guess I envision myself somewhat as a happy medium; even
it’s only “MY” happy medium, as I’m sure others envision me as a different type
of parent.
I’m sure the “Drill Sergeant Over-Disciplinarian” parents we
know look at us and think we have a wild, screaming maniac child who throws
tantrums and what have we done wrong to make him that way.
And I’m sure the “Over Anal” parents think CPS should be
called because I let my child put that piece of food in his mouth that he found
on the floor.
And I’m sure the “Discipline? What Discipline?” parents think we’re absolutely crazy for
wasting the time and effort making him mind, because, really, he’s JUST a
child!
Anyway, where is my post going? Well, lately all this parenting style stuff has been on my
mind. Parenting is such a personal
thing, yet it really affects your relationships with other parents. It’s hard for me to be around kids who run
the show, just as equally it’s hard for me to be around kids who literally have
no rights and no opportunity to just be a child. However, this is just how “I” view these people, and to them, it
obviously is the right way to parent and I probably look like the crazy
freak. I started wondering, EXACTLY
where do I fit in on this “parenting personality” scale, and is the way I
perceive myself really the type of parent I am? What about these other parents I know? Are they really the type of parent they THINK they are? Do they realize how tough or laid back they
are?
Most parents have characteristics of more than one parenting type (meaning, Authoritarian,Authoritative and Permissive) and generally are stronger in one category. I would think that I’m closeest to Authoritative, but I do have lots of Authoritarian tendencies… and minimal Permissive characteristics.
So, here are my “tasks” for you…
1) What Parenting Style Do You Use? Was it close to what you thought?
2) Even more in depth… a little quiz.…
3) And, finally, on friendship… have you ever ended a friendship because of a
disagreement on parenting styles? What
happened? If you haven’t, what type of “behavior”
would deem ending a friendship?
I also found this site to be very informative… it explains the long term effects of different parenting styles on the childs success, personality, behavior etc…
*DISCLAIMER*
I’m not saying I’m a perfect parent by any means. I have yelled at Porter. I
have even *gasp* have curses the f-bomb at him in a moment of sheer
frustration. There are days where I snap at him and am impatient with
him. Likewise, there are days where I’m just too lazy to enforce some
of those rules that aren’t life threatening. I do my best, and I do
what works for me, as does everyone else. Which is why we are all the
parents that we are, different or not.
Visit more Thoughts on Thursday bloggers…
Anyone else??
nicolebarczak.com 
I love reading your thoughts! You are right, parenting is such a personal, sensitive issue. When two people disagree on parenting techniques, it can really cause a riff. I would say I’m more of a “liberal” parent, but when I REALLY stop to think, I might even score as a more authoritative parent. I’ll take the test… we’ll see!! 🙂
Ok Nicole, just in case you were curious about anyone else’s results to this quiz, this is me 🙂
Power Patrol: 1
Perfectionist Supervisor: 3
Balanced: 6
Overindulger: 0
Avoider: 1
Quiz Results
Power Patrol (Authoritarian) 0 pts
Perfectionistic Supervisor 1 pt
Balanced Authoritarian 8 pts
Overindulger 1 pt
Avoider (Passive) 1 pt
***Based on my 5th grade students and cousins, nieces, and nephews 🙂
Oh, Boy! Where to start…so much…I guess I would call myself a Balanced Authoritarian (or at least, that is what I’m trying to be).
And yes, it is very “touchy” when you are friends with others who have children and their parenting views are different than your own….I guess in my eyes “too each his own”… As long as you feel comfortable with your OWN parenting style/discipline that’s all that matter’s….. **of course, as long as it’s not physically or mentally harming your child!**
I’m still laughing at the “F-bomb” admission…LOL!!!
I took the quiz based on what I “plan” on doing for discipline/parenting towards Jocelyn.
Power Patrol-0
Supervisor-6
Balanced-5
Overindulger-0
Avoider-1
When I read the Supervisor all I could think about was “Agh I’m gonna parent like my dad did my sister!” In other words, setting goals for her, goals that he would have liked to achieve himself, and then her being disappointed when she didn’t succeed. (Mainly with sports HE wanted her to play)
I really hope to lean more towards the Balanced parenting when the time comes to start being involved in choices Jocelyn makes, etc. That is how my parents were towards me. I always knew…homework before tv, set your own alarm- if you don’t get up it’s your own fault, eat before playing, don’t talk back. After a few guidlines I knew what my parents expected of me, and I did so (most of the time) which resulted in me having the freedom to make choices on my own. One thing my mom never fought me on and I plan on doing the same is what clothes to wear. I dressed myself from 3 yrs old…yeah I looked crazy and my mom got strange looks but that was a battle she chose not to win. And her reason? It was easier that way. Anyway I am off on another subject. I would like to be a Balanced Parent with some guidlines of the Supervisor, such as setting REALISTIC goals (ie All A’s get’s you a shopping trip each semester).
I meant to post and wasn’t home….next week…I will post. I am slacking, I know.
Wow Nicole, you really put a lot of work into this!
My results:
Power Patrol: 0
Perfectionist: 2
Balanced: 9
Overindulger: 0
Avoider: 0
I wasn’t too surprised by that… I definitely have some perfectionist tendencies. 🙂
We don’t have any really close friends with kids yet… so it’s kinda hard to say. I think it will bother me though if our friends have kids that (in my eyes) are total brats!
Wow! This stuff is so interesting! Thanks for all the thought you put into this post, Nicole! It’s some really great information and food for thought, which is awesome because after all, this parenting stuff is the most important thing we will do in our lives!
I took the quiz first and then read all your links and I’m amazed at how right on it all is. I tried to be very honest and “how do I REALLY do things”, not what I knew to be the correct answers. It’s amazing how our habits of parenting blind us to so much of how we’re really reacting to and shaping our kids.
My quiz results were:
Power Patrol: 0
Perfectionist Supervisor: 2
Balanced: 7
Overindulger:0
Avoider:2
So it turns out I’m pretty balanced. Because even my non-balance category answers were even on each side of the scale! haha!
I thought there was no way I’d be on the power/perfectionist/control side. I’m just way too lazy! LOL! But it turns out I had a couple of points on the perfectionist supervisor… and when I read the details on that style it hit a little too close to home. It said I had a “more positive, but still imbalanced type of overcontrolling”. Other things like “overuse of the word ‘should'” as in pertaining to letting the child know how I think she should think, act or feel; and “trying to improve children through rewards, incentives and goal setting”, rang a little too true for me.
And on the other side of the balance, I do have some avoider issues. And like the article said… it pretty much boils down to laziness. Sometimes, even when I know I should be more actively involved and walking through behaviors or discipline with my kids, it is so much less hassle (for me) to just either ignore things that aren’t such a big deal (but should be reinforced more consistently), or just discipline without very much explanation or follow through.
So I guess it boils down to I have all the right tools to be a balanced parent already… I just like to take the easy way out. I need to remember the magnitude of the job at hand here and that I only get one shot at this. It’s a good reminder that I need to be a little more selfless and put my all into teaching and raising my kids to be the best that they can be.
Also, as I wrap up this novel… LOL,
I think the whole friends/parenting styles thing could be a whole separate post! It is such a weird thing. And I think it not only has to do with parenting styles, but (obviously) personalities too.
On one hand, it is a good thing for kids to see the different ways that different families operate and that different things work for different people. But on the other hand, maybe it’s the perfectionist in me or the ECE background, I for one find it hard to be really close to or easily spend a lot of time with families who have extremely different parenting styles (and I am talking about extremes… mostly either out of control or totally babied kids) and therefore a very different family dynamic in general. Maybe it’s just because my kids are so young and we’re right in the middle of it all but I definitely think it can take a toll on mom friendships. I’ve never had a friendship “end” because of a disagreement or difference in parenting styles, but many have definitely become more distant. It kind of makes me sad. But again, I think it might boil down to personality stuff, because after all, isn’t parenting just a huge microscope of who you are and things you deem important? Parenting brings out a lot of both the best and the worst in all of us. And sometimes I just feel like I know a person differently than I did before they (and I) were parents and we’re just not as compatible as before. Does that make sense at all?
Jeez, I guess I should have just done my own post! LOL!!
Thanks again for the great thoughts Nicole!
Very interesting topic this week. Here are my results:
Power Patrol: 0
Perfectionist: 1
Balanced: 9
Overindulger: 0
Avoider: 0
As a new parent, I don’t really feel like I know what my style is with Gavin still being so young, but I hope as he grows that I can be fair and teach him that his opinion is just as important as anyone else’s in the family & to learn from his mistakes just like anyone else. I think it’s normal to try and protect your children from life’s let downs and disappointments, etc, but in so many ways I think it can hinder them as well. There is a good article in either Parenting or Parents magazine this month (I don’t remember which one) on this very topic.
Anyway, thanks for the cool post today – very interesting.
OK,I don’t have a pen to write down my quiz results but it sounds like you and I have identical parenting!
And trust me, the older Porter gets, the more the choices are huge. Brad sometimes doesn’t get that and will try and “make” Morgan put on his pants and it turns into a huge struggle when all he wanted was to put his right leg in first over his left, you know?
He’s getting way better since I told him that all he wants is to control things – when your parents are telling you what to eat/wear/when to go to bed etc, they just want something to control. Letting him have power over things is so key!
He is also starting to get that there are sometimes that you don’t get a choice,like when it’s a safety issues. I have a real thing with little kids in parking lots and he needs to hold a hand at all time or be in a stroller, no exceptions. And most of the time it’s the stroller because cars can’t always see little guys.
We have just started doing time out and I am very consistant, like you. I will say “I am asking you not to do that. If you keep doing it, you will have to go to time out”. And he knows now and will say “No! No!” and stop doing it! LOL
OK, I went and got a pen – I have to say I have an issue with question 6, I answered B and that apparently is a passive response? Odd!
Power Patrol 0 pts
Perfectionistic 0 pt
Balanced 10 pts
Overindulger 0 pt
Avoider 1 pt
Looks like I landed right in the middle with a little bit of the middle categories.
Power Patrol: 0
Perfectionist Supervisor: 3
Balanced: 4
Overindulger: 3
Avoider: 1
I can see that parenting styles have really changed since 50 years ago, and some of the older generation might look down on us for being a little more relaxed than the Power Patrolers. But I think I will like parenting more doing it this way by picking certain battles and teaching him with ‘reason’ rather than ‘just because’.