TFT: Perfect Mom Wanna Be

Jess has been raving about this book for the past week or so.  I’m definitely going to have to check it out after hearing her talk about it.  This is something that I think we all struggle with so much.  We all struggle with the guilt, the frustrations, etc of motherhood and we don’t want to admit it because we think it will make us look like a bad mom.

Personally, I know I struggle.  I don’t get down on the floor and play with Porter as much as I think I should.  He eats more junk food than he probably should.  I work outside the home and I’m ok with that.  He doesn’t know all his colors or the alphabet yet.  I’ve been known to curse in front of him.  There are times I’ve been annoyed that I don’t have as much free time as I want.  We don’t sit down to meals as a family as often as I’d like.  I look at so many other mom’s blogs and think “Oh I should/should not be doing that…they’re a better mom than I am”.  But why?  Why am I beating myself up over these things?

So what if he’s playing with his trains by himself because I finally said no when he asked for the 3,242nd time today? So what if he’s having cereal for dinner because I was too tired to actually cook. Does that make me a bad mom?  So what if I curse in front of my child every now and then?  Does that somehow make me a horrible person?

 

I’ve just started to realize I’m getting caught up in all the “mom judgment” that seems to come along with being a mom.  And, while in the past 20 months of motherhood I’ve felt the judgment being passed towards me, I know I’m guilty myself of passing it towards others.  I have to stop and realize that we all do what we need to do.  And, no matter what kind of mom I am, what matters the most is that my son knows I love him to the moon and back.  He is well fed, he has a roof over his head, a mom and dad that would do anything for him.  So what if we give in sometimes.  So what if we slip a little and aren’t as consistent as we would like to be.  If there is anyone out there that can say they’ve never done the same, well let me just say I’d like to slap their holier than though faces and call a *BULLSHIT* on them.  No one is perfect.  I’m not.  You’re not.  So, why pretend.  Why TRY to pretend?  Why get wrapped up in trying to perfect ourselves… it’ll never happen.

I’ve decided this….  there will be no more trying to keep up with the Jones’.  No more letting the way other people lead their lives somehow make me feel like less of a good mom.

“Hi there. I’m Nicole. I have a sink full of dirty dishes most days of the week. I don’t always care to play out in the yard with my son.  Sometimes, he goes for days without taking a bath because, honestly, I really bath time.  Teeth brushing… well, there are many mornings I’m just too rushed to care and I let him do it himself even though I know he doesn’t do it well enough. My husband and I are guilty of arguing in front of him.  Yesterday, he had Nilla Wafers for lunch.  I’m not the least bit interested in potty training him anytime soon. Today, he asked me to “play train tracks” with him and I declined and distracted him with a Little Bear show so I could blog.  I have been known to cuss in front of him, and worse… I’ve cussed at him.  There have been days I’ve flat out yelled at him over simple little things because I was at the end of my rope.  I’ve spanked him.  I let him watch too much tv, even in the car because it keeps him quiet on car rides… even short ones to Target or the sitters.  But, you know what… thats me.  Like it or not.  I love my son, and even though there are days I pretty much suck as a mom, thats how it is.”

So… my Thoughts for Thursday is simple.  Who are YOU?  What are YOUR weaknesses?

  1. This is the best. Post. Ever. Before I forget – I am doing TFT today. It’s my first time ever! Yay!

    I am a completely unorganized mom. COMPLETELY. UNORGANIZED. I do not bake. I only recently started cooking. I don’t exercise. My baby just spit up and I don’t know where the spit up went. Someone will probably point out that it’s on my back when I go to the grocery store later. Sometimes I put Cadi in her pack n play so I can blog. Sometimes I get annoyed that I have no more free time to myself anymore. Then I feel guilty about this. I. Am. Not. Perfect. That’s who I am.

  2. I know that I’m guilty of judging other moms, and I know I’ve been judged. But, no one is perfect. Who am I to say that what someone else is doing with their kids is wrong? I can have my opinions, but when it comes down to it, it’s not my place to judge. That’s up to the man upstairs.

    We’re all just trying to get by…we’re all just trying to make sure our kids grow up knowing how much they’re loved. We should all focus on that a little more instead of what makes someone a “good mom” or a “bad mom”.

    For the record, I yell a bit too much some days, I have fed my daughter cereal for dinner more times than I can count, and there have been days where Alyssa has been allowed to watch movie after movie because I just needed a mental health day.

    So what if you feed Porter Nilla wafers for lunch, so what if he can’t sing the ABC’s yet, so what if you lose it and cuss every now and then? I’m not going to judge you for that and think “Man, she’s a bad mom”…I’m going to say “Yeesh, Nicole’s having a rough day, maybe I should call her and let her vent”.

    Us stressed out-overworked-too tired to cook-sick of PlayDoh moms need to stick together! 🙂

  3. Hey Nicole – You are absolutely right. No one is perfect. What we can do is choose to sift through information, extracting what may be helpful.

    We are all human. I am sure everyone reading has their positive and negative attributes. When we solicite advice from others, we are asking them what they think. I imagine, individuals who respond are giving input based on what they know. Maybe it’s based on their their knowledge or on something in which they have succeeded. Sometimes, it may be based on a negative experience from which they have learned. Even still, others can speak to what it is they are especially passionate about.

    In sum, I’m hoping that people are not acting better than though, rather they are speaking the truths about what it is they may be particuliarly good at or know well.

    I know I still have a lot to learn but enjoy learning from others. =)

  4. Thanks Nicole! I can always count on you for your honesty. It’s funny you posted this. Just this morning my mom told me I was a great mom. It was heartwarming to hear it, because it is not something anyone ever tells us. I told her thanks, and that I am doing my best and there are days when I feel like I suck at it. But what matters is that when I put my kids to bed at night, they know I will always love them and be there for them, and that when they wake, they will feel loved and cherished. We are all guilty of being “selfish” and why shouldn’t we be? How often do we get a minute to ourselves? My life is consumed by my children, and although I wouldn’t have it any other way, I need to feel like Michelle too, not just mommy. Thanks again!

  5. hailalujah sister! i love this post and i’m so happy you wrote it!

    i often do the same thing and compare myself to other mom’s. i should be doing this, i wish i was doing that…but i’m just doing what i can! we all have strengths and weaknesses. and i agree – nobody is perfect.

    my weaknesses? my house has too much clutter, my body has too much fat, my kid ends up in our bed when he wakes up in the middle of the night because i am too fricken tired to fight the fight, potty training scares me, and the list goes on. even with all that going on, i love my family and would do anything for them. that’s what matter’s most.

  6. Awesome, awesome post Nicole! It was a huge wake-up call to me when I had Gavin. I have always been confident in everything that I do but the minute he was born, I suddenly because insecure about everything. I gave in waaaay to much to what everyone thinks is “correct parenting”, rather than just chilling out and doing the best that I know how to do! It wasn’t until just recently I finally said, screw that & all of you judgemental moms out there! My son is happy, healthy & loved. We all do the best we can & if our children feel loved and they are happy & healthy, then I think that deserves a big old pat on the back! No one is perfect & there is not a manual to parenting – we learn as we go and we need to give ourselves more credit for what we DO right, rather than the moments we aren’t what we would like to be. :o)

  7. We’re all human. Nobody is perfect. I’ve learned to let so much go since becoming a mother because so much IS out of my control. The day is only so long and some times you just got to do what you got to do to make it through the day. And at the end of the day all that matters is that we are all healthy and we are all happy.

  8. You are NOT alone. I’ve been having those “I suck as a mom” feelings for a while now. I feel guilty more often than not just for letting Tiegan have more junk food than she should, or not being patient & taking her to the potty… not because I think these are BAD things, because they’re certainly not. But only because I’m afraid I will seem like a bad mother compared to others.

    It’s time we became OKAY with the fact that our children will turn out just fine if they have ‘nilla wafers for lunch and don’t brush their teeth long enough… and even if it’s more often than “once in a while” – that’s okay too. You’re right – as long as they know that we love them and will do anything for their well being, then that’s fine with me!

    You are a GREAT mom. And hey, if you ever feel bad, just think about all those crazies out there who have no business raising children… that is sure to make you feel better. lol

  9. Nicole,thanks for telling it how it is. I encounter those “perfect” parents quite often. I would love to call them out and be “Please, tell it how it really is, do you really think you are fooling me?” but I just keep my mouth shut and smile.

  10. I would have saved myself a lot of heartache 23 years ago if I had learned to listen to ME instead of worrying about what everyone else thought. I had to work full time, my 3 kids all went to daycare and headstart. Some nights they did not take a bath, and guess what? The world did not stop because my kid went to bed with dirty feet. But, they all three grew up, are now in college, and dont seem to hold it against me that I wasn’t the perfect mom.I didn’t get to this acceptance overnight, I cried a bunch of tears before I was able to say BACK OFF, these are MY kids. I did the best I knew how to do and I just want to tell you to hang in there. I love reading your blog because you seem so real and down to earth. That precious boy knows, just like my kids do, that you love him more than life.

  11. Go Nic Go!! Great TFT post!In a ‘perfect world’ wouldn’t it be nice if life just fell into place & children behaved 110% of the time so they never neede to be reprimended especially in public, husbands were truly attentive & helpful & mothers aren’t the ones who always have to be the caregivers/bathers/teebrushers/pottytrainers of life!!
    No one is a perfect parent! Show me one & I say pfft! I KNOW I yell way too much! Cereal for breakfast..my kids LOVE when I call a Raisin Bran & Bagel night-lazy, yes-healthy-sure! You are doing just great as a parent 🙂

  12. I seriously love how honest you are! Husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for a few months now and it’s incredibly refreshing to read things like this to sort of put things into perspective. As you probably know from having a child, when you tell people you’re trying to have a baby, some of them feel compelled to give you advice you didn’t ask for. This is something we’ve already begun discussing…”When we’re parents, we won’t ______.” “We’ll never be like ________.” But we’ve recently realized that it really doesn’t matter what others are doing. We don’t know how we’ll do things until we are directly in parental situations. I think everyone wants to be a perfect parent, but it takes a very honest and strong person to admit that it just doesn’t happen! Thanks for a great post!

  13. I did a pseudo response in the second half of my post today.
    Loved your post and the honesty. For me and where I’m at with my kids, it’s more than that though. You can go read.

  14. I remember when Morgan was little and I was feeling guilty about something and one of my best friends said to me “HELLO – there is a reason you don’t remember being little!” HAHA

    To me, if I provide a loving environment for my child, I’m a good mom. The end. The rest of the stuff is just a bonus. I don’t think there is a mom out there that has never lost their temper or provided a 3 course meal every night. Please.

    I mean really, you are screwed either way. You spend the day cleaning your house and you’ve spent the day neglecting your kid. You play with your kid all day and the house is a mess. Hence why I’ve given up and just go with the flow!

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