Psychotic Ramblings

  • Yes, I’m irrational.  Hormonal.  Delusional.  Over the edge.  I can at least admit it, but for some reason I’m totally unable to stop or even control these feelings.  I need somewhere to vent (other than Jess’s ears).
  • I feel like running away.  Far away. 
  • I wonder how people can stay married for the sake of their children.  I guess I’m finding out. 
  • Some days I wish I could die.  Quick and painless, of course, but die none the less.  But then I think about how my death would mean the death of my second child and would mean leaving Porter to be raised solely by Ryan. 
  • We’re going to St. Louis this week.  Has my husband helped to make
    any plans?  Oh, he’d say "Why didn’t you ask?"  Why should I ask?  He’s
    going on the trip too… can’t he use is brain to figure out things
    that need to get done?  He barely wanted to talk with me about our time line and when we are leaving and coming home.  And, we leave in 4 days and have no one to watch our
    dogs.   That’s going to be interesting.
  • I felt so bad when Porter kept whimpering while I rocked him before his nap and he started crying and said "I’m sad!".  I hate how my uncontrollable feelings are affecting him. 
  • It makes me sad how I was so easily convinced to get pregnant for a second time, only to now realize how alone I am in this pregnancy. I can’t remember a time when Ryan ever asked me how I was feeling, how I was doing, if I needed help with anything.   I can’t recall him asking when my next doctor’s appointment was, and furthermore, asking how it went. I feel sad that Ryan was so involved and nurturing and caring throughout Porter’s pregnancy, but not this one.  It makes me sad for this baby.
  • I hate that he doesn’t understand that yeah, I’m pregnant, yeah people go through it every single day, but it still takes a toll on your body and mind and things that normally are no big deal are a big deal. Things that normally require minimal effort can be tiring.  How patience is cut short.
  • I hate that there are so many days I wish I could take back this pregnancy, not because I don’t love this child, but because I feel sad that I can’t give Porter or this baby a good family and a happy mother.  Even though I seem happy a lot of times, I realize how sad I am most of the time.
  • Trying to get dressed is a bitch.  I could handle the lack of clothing situation, but when you have to put on a bra every freaking day that itches and is uncomfortable it sucks.  Why do I wear it, you ask?  Well, because there are only a select few bras I can find in my size unless I want to spend $100 on a bra.  So I have to make do with the one dirty, overworn bra I have that fits.  And don’t get me started on the boobs and how my upper back is killing already.  And how my left boob is already seeming too full for the 34DDD bra I have.
  • I hate that I’m losing it at the happiest time of the year.  I hate that I feel like my life and world is unraveling quickly around me and I don’t know how to stop it and I don’t know how to get through all the plans we have made for the next few weeks.
  • I feel depressed seeing all the things wrong in my life.  And I feel depressed knowing I’m writing it here for people to read.  I should probably start a psychotic rambling blog somewhere and keep it anonymous. 

16 Comments

  1. prayin for you girl– shitty times. Men just don’t get it– my hubby is the same way! Hang in there. You are a great mom– an amazing woman and you will be a great mother to porter too. You are a great wife– you just cant’ do everything– and that’s ok– R just needs to realize it!
    ck

  2. I’m sitting here, wracking my brain…trying to remember what it is you always say that brings me down from my emotional ledges…and I’m drawing a blank!!! I’m a horrible friend…lol!

    You know that I’m always here for you if you need me. The holidays are stressful, and that’s not helping anything (why does it always work that way, isn’t this supposed to be the happiest time of year?!)

    Ryan (are you listening, pal???) needs to suck it up, and be the bigger person for a while. Yeah, you’re hormonal and emotional, but this is his part…taking care of you while you’re going thru it. I know us women are difficult to deal with while pregnant…but it takes two to make a baby, and in my opinion it takes about 20 to nurture a pregnant woman thru the worst ten months of her life…lol.

    Eat some cookies, and let him clean and make dinner. Take an emotional breather!!! You are not only taking care of yourself, but that precious baby boy inside of you as well…and Ryan can help by letting you have that much needed emotional breather!

  3. It’s okay to feel ALL OF THAT. Just remember that you do have a husband who loves you, a little boy who adores you, and plenty of friends to support you. Sometimes just talking about it helps. You can vent here or to me anytime.

    When I was pregnant with Sawyer, I was severely depressed during almost all of my second trimester. I was overwhelmed with my “failings” as a mom and a wife and hopeless about our living situation (tinier than yours- and not half as nice) and our financial situation and I was honestly miserable. I was this close to seeing a doctor about maybe some medication to get me through the pregnancy. Otherwise, I wasn’t quite sure what I was going to do. It was a horrible feeling, wanting to and knowing I should just “snap out of it”, but I couldn’t. And that made me feel worse.

    I finally lost it with a friend. I don’t think anyone had any idea how depressed and miserable I was, not even Ryan, and one day I just fell apart and poured it all out to a friend. I cried with her for three hours. She left with me promising to talk to Ryan honestly about my depression and to make a timeline of ‘if I don’t feel better by this date I’m going to see someone’. I think it just helped tremendously to be honest with MYSELF and with other people I trusted about how awful I was really feeling. It slowly got better after that. I was worried about postpartem depression after that, but had no problem.

    I never knew this, but depression during pregnancy is quite common. I hope you’re just in a funk and it’s not honestly depression, but I hope you know you have people to talk to when you need to!

    And I hope you can enjoy the holiday and the magic of Christmas for Porter and the fact that you have these two (three) boys in your life who love you so. It’s okay to let them take care of you too sometimes.

  4. i agree with heather. it’s normal to be emotional, but it’s really the opposite for men. i don’t think it’s always their fault. perhaps it’s just chemistry. i think we’ve all been in a bad way. though as difficult as it sometimes (pregnancy), you have a little miracle inside of you. if your feelings and emotions consume you beyond your ability to feel this, you should talk to and confide in someone. it sounds more like ryan just doesn’t understand rather than just doesn’t want to help. seriously, it’s not worth being miserable. you have to think of yourself, porter, and your precious baby. it’s just not healthy to be this upset. i would try talking to him. hope things get better for you. i’ll be thinking of you.

  5. So sorry you’re going through a tough time…we’ve all been there and understand. Don’t hesitate to go see a Dr. too, they might be able to prescribe something to make you feel better 🙂

  6. Aww chick, that sucks that you feel like that right now.

    Just remember they are wired differently, they really don’t get it. It’s sad that it’s like that but honestly, for most men, you have to spell out exactly what you want or they are clueless.

    I don’t think you are irrational in the least though – honestly, find one pregnant woman that doesn’t feel like this at least once though their pregnancy (especially their 2nd, 3rd etc.) and I’d be shocked.

    I think it’s time for some Nic time – let Ry watch Porter and go get your hair done, do some shopping, go out for lunch and relax. Sometimes you just have to take that time – cause like most men will offer it up!

  7. from reading your blog (since you were pregnant with porter) i’ve come to know a few things about you: one) you’re a great mom to your kid(s). we all get frazzled and whatnot, but you ARE a great mom. two) you have a lot of friends there to support you – lean on them now, i’m sure they would help in anyway. three) you have a lot of readers that understand the good, the bad, and the ugly of everyday life. there are a lot of moms out there that can relate to what you’re feeling.

    i sure hope things get better. i agree with the other ladies – men are wired differently. some of them don’t understand what pregnancy does to not only your body – but your MIND! i think it is especially common for people to feel all these things piling up this time of the year. don’t be too hard on yourself girl! i’m sure ryan will read this post and maybe it will help a bit.

  8. Sucks that your feeling that way! I know because I also have those feelings…but without the huge boobs. Except I’m not pregnant, it’s pms. It happens every month and just so happens this month it’s today. I did feel a little relief reading what you wrote and realizing someone else goes through it. I don’t think men can ever get it…even though by now I think they should be able to! I struggle with being a happy mom also and wonder what the hell is wrong with me when I’m not happy. I have every reason to be…four healthy happy kids and a husband who loves me (even though he’s not a mind reader, damn it!) and you have a husband who loves you, a beautiful son and a new one coming that love you for you. I know how hard it can be to remember those things when you feel so bad. Hang in there!!

  9. Nic, I am sorry to hear you are feeling this way. You are a great Mother & need to remember that! Don’t feel bad about posting out your feelings here, we’ve probably all been there & care enough to give our own 2 cents & support for what it’s worth!
    I’m sure Ryan just has his man-blinders on & is oblivious to your needs & feelings. That is the way it is with ‘most’ men 🙂
    Cheer up Sweetie we are all rooting for you!

  10. I am so Sorry that you are feeling so Sad! Don’t be Sad! I know, easier said than done. You seem like a Wonderful Mom and any child would be lucky to have you as a mom.

    As for husbands that is a Frustrating one! Sometimes they don’t seem as caring as they should be and really don’t understand the emotions of a woman and especially the emotions of a pregnant woman. Good Luck with him, I hope that he makes things right very very soon! You two look like an Adorable couple.

    Maybe your both stressed about having another child, trying to sell your house, Christmas and so on…

    Also, don’t feel bad about posting your feelings online. We are all hear to listen and try to make you feel better. I actually wish that I could be more open like you are.

  11. I know how you FEEL. Please see a Dr. I felt the same way I felt that I could not control anything.And it wasn’t until a friend suggested that I see a Dr. and WOW what a difference it has made. Please do it for You and your family!

  12. Hi Nicole,
    I thought that you might like this blog. http://www.dooce.com. The woman that writes the blog has had strugles with depression and reading that someone else felt the same way might make you feel better. I will be praying for you.

  13. Nicole,

    I read your blog all the time–I love it and love how real you are and I mostly love that you just posted this even though your last ramble said you wish it could have been anonymous. Honey, you should see a doctor. I had been on meds for depression since after Colin was born and decided to go off of them while pregnant with Aaron. In July I had a major melt down and I mean major. Talking about dying, leaving my family… the works. I broke down and called my Dr. and went on meds again and things got much better. With the stress I’m going through right now I’ve doubled what I was on. I know many say this, but there is NO shame in getting help for this. Yes there is a stigma, but it isn’t true. Many love you and want you to be happy and you ARE a great mother. You are! Porter loves you. If you need to call me, email me and I’ll give you my number. I’ll be praying for you– and seriously, I’ll be hear to listen if you need an understanding ear.

  14. Ummm… did I write this post? I swear I felt the same way through my last 2 pregnancies. Craving Tom’s attention. Wanting his involvement in all of the little decisions. Needing to know he was even interested in the little person, our little person, we created together. Wanting him to love my belly, talk to the baby, anything. Begging him to show some excitement. Sometimes men suck. But then he cried real tears at the babies’ births and that almost completely made up for his crapiness the last 9 months.

  15. Nicole, I have so many things I want to say to you right now…because ALL of what you wrote I am living or have lived. Please know that I am here for you if you ever want to just vent. BTW Check out Bras that Fit on Mechanic street. She just fitted my friend with a size J…yes a J. She even made it in to a nursing bra for a mere $40. Again. Please know you are not alone.

  16. Hi Nicole, I sure hope you are feeling better. I really do think you should talk to a doctor though. I had ppd after Bianca and still feeling hopeless at times, but I know how to handle it better now that I recognize that it’s not me, it’s the depression. I don’t take anything now, but if I needed it, I would definitely take it in a heartbeat. It helps soooo much. I expect I’ll be on meds again in just a few months. Also, I think you should just really pour your heart out to Ryan. Make him understand that you aren’t normal, you are pregnant. Anything that needs to be done is so much harder right now. I go through this struggle everyday. I try to make Brian realize that just walking up the stairs is hard. Good luck and I hope you can work things out.

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