Surfacing

I feel like this week has thrown me into the middle of the ocean and its been sink or swim. It started with one issue and as the week progressed I found myself faced with at least 4 separate issues that have really just beat me down. I’m overwhelmed, upset, stressed and deflated. I really needed to just step back from my blog, close up, hole up, whatever you want to call it, and try to figure out how to work through things.

I’ve recently gotten some things off my chest with an issue that sits very deeply with me. It was not taken well by the other person making these bad choices and in a way I guess maybe I should have left things be. I felt things needed to be said, but I now realize that many people just never change. My words may have hurt, but I hope that someday they’ll be looked at closer and analyzed deeper. Throughout the bickering, this person dug up things totally unrelated to the issue.

I suppose in trying to deflect the negative off of them, they dug up some issues on my blog that I post very honestly about and throw them in my face, turn them on me and make me look and feel like a bad person about it. I have always felt like my blog was a place where I could attempt to be “real”… to be myself, be honest and open and truthful to who I am and what I’m going through. I’ve had so many readers email me and tell me how they love my blog and love my honesty and love that I can be real and not paint this “perfect” life that I have (thank you!). Because my life is NOT perfect. You’re about to see that. I have never on this blog attempted to portray that, and I hope I never do. I’m debating on whether to even publish this post or not, or if I should just type it and let it sit as a draft for all eternity. We’ll see how it ends up.

In having my “real, honest, open” thoughts thrown in my face , that kind of piled on with another issue that emerged with a friend. I won’t go into that here, but those two circumstances really made me face another huge issue… the M issue. Marriage. (Which was in a way a bit hypocritical as this family member who threw these things in my face has no idea what being in a marriage is like, and in her relationships when it gets tough they call it quits)

You know how when you get married everyone tells you that the first year is “so hard?” Well, I feel like that was a breeze, especially compared to becoming a parent. Since we’ve had Porter, our marriage and any issues we’ve had have really taken a seat on the back burner. We added the most precious little guy to our family and he consumes our life. We bend over backwards for him. We wouldn’t have it any other way and can’t imagine our lives without him. I kick started a business that consumed a lot of my time in the past year and a half. Ryan began college classes and that takes up much of his time. Where is the us time? Where is the time to reconnect, to make that switch from being parents to being husband and wife again? We used to laugh together, love each other and have fun together. We’ve lost that, and its something we have finally faced and realized that we need to fix it and get things back to good. In a way, I’m grateful for some of the drama this week as its really opened both my eyes and Ryan’s. Or, more like… its made us FACE those issues that we’ve just ignored and stuffed in the closet for so long.

And on top of all that, I’ve realized that in part with some issues in our marriage that part of my problem is the type of person I’ve become… negative, judgmental and overly hormonal. Ok, so I have a bit of an excuse for the last one, but honestly, this pregnancy has really set me over the edge. On top of working, running a business, being a mom and a wife and taking care of a house… everything has set me over the edge and I’ve turned into this person that I just don’t like. Like I said in my previous post, I am trying hard to make a change. To start seeing the good in things rather than focusing on the bad. To start praising others for their good qualities rather than their bad. And that filters into the marriage issues as well… so hopefully with me making this change it will help US grow stronger as well.

Tonight I had a chat with a friend, who I won’t name but she knows who she is, whom I feel blessed to have met. Turns out we’ve been going through many of the same marriage issues in the same time line, yet neither of us knew this until this evening. Can I tell you how RELIEVING it is to hear someone say many of the same things that I myself have thought and felt? To know that we aren’t the only ones having trouble adjusting to being both parents and marriage partners? I felt like I could finally sigh and admit that our faults and struggles were okay and normal.

So, anyhow… I’m feeling gutsy and feeling like I want to be open and honest with this post. For now. I might pull it if I get that weird “I shouldn’t have posted that” feeling, but for now I think I’m ok with sharing. I think its ok to admit my life isn’t perfect… that I have struggles that maybe some of you have as well. And, hopefully, I won’t be looked at negatively for it. I’m finally surfacing, and I think I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

  1. I’m sorry Nic. I’m glad you had such a good conversation with your friend and that you don’t feel so alone in some of this stuff you’re going through. I hope you know you have lots of friends you can lean on when you need to. I admire your “realness” here and that’s one of the things I’ve always loved about you, your blog, and our friendship. I don’t see how anyone could look at you negatively for sharing any of this. Completely the opposite if you ask me…

  2. Hey Nicole…I have always loved your honesty here – that’s why I read your blog! Just keep on being honest, if it feels right, and block out the negative (ie. family members, etc.) – this is YOUR blog and you can do what you want with it. You are just writing down how we all feel – it’s exhausting, overwhelming, emotional and stressful to have children. Just know that you have (from what it seems) an amazing support system in your friends! ((Hugs!))

  3. Nicole, everyone who has children has marriage issues. We definitely lose some of ourselves as parents, as well as part of the marriage. What matters is the effort you put forth to get that back. It’s a lot of work to be a mom, a woman, a wife and whatever else you throw into that mix. That’s where you need to prioritize. It’s tough, but you will never have regrets as long as you put yourself out there and can always say you tried your best. Good luck with all of this!

  4. In the past week both my brother and my mother in law have voiced issue with my blog – it was very difficult to hear….what was worse was that the real issue wasn’t my blog, it was my opinion. They didn’t like it out there and the mil was not happy with my portrayal of the FH and our marriage. Also not perfect, some days it’s not even that good but there is still a lot of love here so it’s worth the effort. I got really upset about it (I was also really over tired and uncomfortable from lil Lexi) and I had this moment where I realized the solution: they could just stop reading. So I e-mailed them both and said that given there feelings about my blog the best course of action is for them to stop reading it – I was shocked how easy and freeing that was. So this is my very long winded, haven’t had any caffeine in 7 months way of saying – good for you for expressing yourself on this blog, way to be brave and own your opinions and thoughts – they’re so valued and great you should be proud of them and you’re not alone.

  5. I am so sorry that you are not able to use your blog in the fashion you would like – I am truly grateful that none of my family reads mine for that exact reason. You are so right about marriage – the first year was a cake-walk compared to the year that followed adding Baby #1, and I wish I could say that adding Baby #2 wasn’t nearly the same strain, but it was (though we seemed to fall out of the ‘funk’ a little bit quicker.)I see a lot of myself in your writing lately – I have just been too overwhelmed and exhausted to get it out there. I applaud you for doing so! I think the thing I am finding the hardest right now is the fact that I have a spouse and two beautiful children, yet feel completely alone A LOT . . . I think sometimes you might feel the same way? I hope that things get better and that those who are passing judgement take a look at themselves before continuing to do so. Hugs!

  6. Hey Nic,I applaud your honesty and love that about you. Of course having kids makes a marriage more difficult…you and Ryan are both excellent parents and I don’t think it is fair for others to judge you…Keep your head up, hon!

  7. Anyone who says they haven’t had issues in their marriage is a big fat liar…and if they haven’t been married then they have no right to judge. Noone should judge anyways, because an outsiders perspective is always way off from what it’s really like within the confines of your home. I think your honesty is totally refreshing. The blog is your place to express your opinions/feelings and Cass is so right in that they can just stop reading if they don’t like it. I have struggled with what to share on my blog too, as I know my family members read it, but I started it as a journal for me and that’s the way it will stay. It is so tough to balance everything…work/mom/sister/daughter/friend/wife/etc…I’m glad you’ve found someone you can talk to…lots of your readers can relate too…I hope you continue to share. Hope you are feeling better about things soon…

  8. Hey Nic, This too shall pass. Keep your head up and just know that you deserve to have this blog to write your own opinions/thoughts. We are all here for you if you ever want to talk….

  9. It’s good to see you back. Sorry that you are going through such tough times, just know that everyone does and you will get through them at some point. Marriage can be very hard…maybe you and Ryan should take a little time away before the baby arrives. It always helps to do that, especially before things get even more hectic. You both deserve it! I think it’s an awesome thing that you are able to be so real on your blog and no one should hold that against you…I admire you for it…and I know we can all relate at some point to what you are going through. Hugs to you!!

  10. Great post Nicole! You said things very confidently, and strong in your post and I think you should keep it up! You are doing great things for you, your marriage, and your family!

  11. You know, it’s common sense that every marriage has struggles. It’s great to be able to relate to one another. It’s fabulous to learn from one another. Being honest on a blog HELPS and touches everybody reading. Even if you’re not married, it gives you the heads up:)Not that I’m doing this (and I should start), but I need to start putting the hubs and I, FIRST. It will be BEST for our children, because they need to see mom and dad as ONE. Which will be good for all members of the family:) More fun!And when I start making progress, I’ll let you know!!

  12. I like what Kasey said… we are all here for you… I know that we only read each other’s blogs and have only met once in real life, but, I’m here for you, and I know that many, many other people are too.By the way, the reason I kept reading your blog when I randomly came across it three years or so ago was because you seemed so real. Whether you are posting about parenthood or marriage or even making fun of yourself. And I think that right there is the difference between you and so many others that keeps me reading. It’s great… you’re great. Hang in there.

  13. I’m glad you found some peace with this and glad that you posted. Nobody has the perfect marriage and god knows it is a lot of work to have even a functional one. Take care of yourself.

  14. People who judge often feel uncomfortable about there own decisions, just keep that in mind. Like everyone else, I love your blog because it is so open and honest. I’m glad you put it out there and have a friend to talk to about it. It is amazing how much it helps just knowing that your are not alone in your feelings.

  15. i, along with everyone else, admire and respect your openness on your blog. and can also relate with not only marital issues, but “friend” issues too. your readers are your readers because we LIKE you – a lot! you have a great virtual – and real – support system. as far as kids and a marriage, well previous commenters have said, and i will chime in also on how HARD it is to be parents FIRST, which is important… keep on keepin’ on, girl. it all works itself out, and i’m glad you’re back

  16. I really admire you for posting the posts that you do. I am glad to see you back up and blogging to.Life is not simple. Parenting is NOT simple and marriage is not simple. It is all a journey of love, patience and passion. All three aspects can be good and hard. If they were not hard at times- it really would not feel as good when it is good! That is how i look at it.When me and my hubby fight- it is hard, frustrating and sad- but i figure it has to do with the love and passion we have for one another- which is why we fight so hard. We would not fight so hard if we did not mean so much to each other. We are just passionate and love each other too much to not care enough to fight.I wish i was as brave as you- to post the hard days and feelings that come with the hard days. My blog posts are more general and about the kids or specials days in our lives. Sometimes there are posts where I reflect and spotlight a certain child or Peter. Those would be that days that i am having a hard time with that person and I do the post to think and feel more positively about that person.Again- sorry for the long comment. I tend to do that with your posts- they bring out a lot of thought, emotion and feeling. Thank you for that. I really hope that things get happier and more enjoyable for you in these last few weeks of your pregnancy. I had a hard pregnancy with one of my girls and I wish I would have had my eyes more open before the the pregnancy and the first year of her life were past. You are an amazing woman! Just from reading your posts – im sure we can all feel that in you. You are strong, talented, smart and a great mother to your children! I hope things get better for you and your husband! You two are so cute together with your little Porter!Have a great week this week!

  17. I religiously check your blog. After reading this post I realized why: I love how real you are.It just reminds me I’m not alone in some of my feelings and that other women go through them. I’ve only been married for 2 years (in July) and we have no kids, but I’m trying to prepare for the bomb that will go off when we do start a family. I think just knowing that things won’t necessarily be happy ever after is helpful and I want to thank you.

  18. No one’s life is perfect, and usually the ones who look like their life is perfect are the ones hiding the most! It is really tough juggling work, a kid/or kids, house obligations, and being a wife. It’s hard to find the time and energy for everything. Just like we schedule our kids activities, we need to schedule husband and wife time. I applaud you for trying to adopt a new attitude about things, and I think you are off to a great start!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: