Motherhood

A few blog posts have struck me to my core today.  I sit here with a lump in my throat thinking… Yes… Yes…. this is the reason.  This is the perspective.  This… THIS is what I needed to hear.  To read.  To realize.  Thank you.  

Thank you, Katie, for posting this video.

You are a miracle.
And I have to love you this fiercely: So that you can feel it even after you leave for school, or even while you are asleep, or even after your childhood becomes a memory.
You’ll forget all this when you grow up. But it’s okay.
Being a mother means having your heart broken.
And it means loving and losing and falling apart and coming back together.
And it’s the best there is. And also, sometimes, the worst.
Sometimes you won’t have anyone to talk to.
Sometimes you’ll wonder if you’ve forgotten who you are.
But you must remember this: What you’re doing matters.
And you have to be brave with your life so that others can be brave with theirs.
The truth is, being a woman is a gift. Tenderness is a gift. Intimacy is a gift. And nurturing the good in this world is a nothing short of a privilege.
That’s why I have to love you this way. So I can give what I have to you. So that you can carry it in your body and pass it on.

I have watched you sleep. I’ve kissed you a million times. And I know something that you don’t, yet:

You are writing the story of your only life every single minute of every day.And my greatest hope for you, sweet child, is that I can teach you how to write a good one.

These words… these words I often forget yet resonate so loudly in my soul.  

Nurturing the good in the world is nothing short of a privilege.  That my sweet children… they ARE writing the story of their lives every single minute of every day.  And it is true… my greatest hope is that I can teach them to write a good one.  

And Katie also linked to a post from MckMama….  I’m gonna miss this.  And it really made me think about how quickly this life is going by.  How quickly my babies are growing up.  If I really stop to think… really think… about how sad it is that they’re growing so fast.  Sure, I can say it in passing and kind of jokingly.  Everyone says it “Kids grow up too fast.”  But to really stop and think…. why can’t I really relish these moments no matter how chaotic.  Love them.  Love every manic moment of them because in 10 years… 20 years…. I’m really going to miss it. 

For the past few months I feel like I’ve just been wallowing through motherhood.  Wallowing through my days home…. wallowing through the evenings after work just counting the minutes until bedtime.  I’ve cried many times feeling like I’ve failed my kids.  How I’ve failed them as a mother because honestly, there are many moments I feel like I can’t stand to be around them.  Moments where I wish I could get in my car and drive far far away and not look back.  Moments where I have wondered why God dealt me the cards I’ve been dealt.  Moments where I feel like I’ve done them a disservice because I can’t bring out the best in them the way I want to.

I’ve made the comment numerous times about how much I really dislike my kids’ ages right now.  How I feel like I’m fighting the Terrible 2’s with both my almost-2 year old and 4 year old. How my nights are filled with whining and fighting and tantrums and crying and heavy sighing and moaning and groaning and glancing at the clock.  

Today all this ends.  No more.  I quit.  I will not fail my children.  I will not wish away their childhood.  I will not despise this stage… the whining and crying and tantrums and fighting.  I will embrace it.  And love it.  And enjoy ever moment of it no matter how miserable it may seem at the time.  

Because I know… I know in the end I’m gonna miss it.  

10 Comments

  1. sweet 🙂 i'm bad about this too. i used to end each day wallowing in what i did wrong as a mother. now, when i'm done with what i did wrong, i try to think of things i did right. stupid things like “i got a healthy meal on the table” or “i made the baby laugh from the bottom of his belly”…thinking about those things makes me feel better and i have seem a dramatic change in my outlook in general. because we are all gonna miss this.

  2. Great post Nicole…. it is so true. My mom says those exact words to me all the time “you're gonna miss this..” She's a big country music fan and it's some song she likes. It is soooo true, but hard to focus on in the heat of the moment. Thanks for sharing and bringing some perspective to all our lives…….

  3. Thanks for posting this, Nic. I too have felt much the same way you have over the past few months until just a few weeks ago. It's easy to be hard on ourselves but the truth is, we are going to miss this. These little stages that we hate so badly right now. I always try and remember the song, “Let Them be Little” by Billy Dean and “You're Gonna Miss This” by Trace Adkins. Both shed complete and perfect perspective on childhood & taking time to not let life pass us by. Anyway, thanks again for posting this and here's to a fresh start!

  4. I totally agree with you. after also reading these things this past week I had the same thoughts in my head about how I view my life as a mother. Its hard.. and sometimes it seems too hard. But we all have a purpose. both as a mother and as a wife and a woman. I think its vital to stop and soak it all in and not dwell on the bad parts as hard as that is after your patience has run out!

  5. Great post! It is real easy to get lost in the life of things and not sit and think about the things we have around us. Need to be thankful that we do have children, healthy children. That they ARE able to cry, ARE able to whine, ARE able to run through the house like a maniac. It might frustrate us at the time, but this post helps me remember to be thankful for what we have. 🙂 And just so you know.. You are a Great Mom, Nic. 🙂

  6. This is fitting in with many of my recent revelations about life!First, I have to tell you that I'm a fellow Michigander and teacher who feels I never have enough time for all I want to do. In the last year I had a breast cancer scare(including a scary biopsy) that ended up A o.k. overall (will know for sure when I get a clear mammogram recheck in May)but in the meantime I lost a dear colleague(worked with her 15 years) after her second battle with cancer. When she passed away I went through the phase of wondering why she'd gotten it a second time and I was so lucky! Then I looked at my 3 daughters and felt guilty because I've battled with them through sassy girls crap and teenage stuff, and came to realize just how quickly things are going! My oldest will be a senior in high school next year and we just went for the welcome night to prepare for our middle one to move to high school next year. My “baby” will be 10 in April! I couldn't help but think I could be battling cancer right now but I have been blessed and now I need to look at every moment as an opportunity to appreciate what my girls mean to me, rather than seeing them as a constant challenge. I need to build the bond I have with them, and not let us put up walls. I also need to realize just how fortunate we are that my high school sweetheart husband and I are still happily married. It will be 30 years since we met (in March) and our 23rd anniversary will be in May. So what if the house isn't always the cleanest and I don't have time to get all my papers graded. I need to do more scrapbooking, spend more time with my girls, and slow down to enjoy my family while we're all still living in the same house. I am so much closer to my girls being gone than I can believe. It went WAY too fast. Sorry to babble, but those of you who have little ones please know that it goes faster each year. O.K., so now I'm ready to cry. I WILL not take things for granted, and I WILL work to build a better bond between my daughters and I (whether they know we need it or not)!Thanks for sharing.

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