Today I have had so many thoughts of how quickly time is going by. I want to really enjoy every moment with the boys and realize how fast they really are growing up. All day it seemed that I constantly had that in the back of my mind… everything we did I just felt like I was subconsciously trying to live in the moment, enjoy these moments with the boys.
Porter has become such a joy lately. I’m sure a lot of it has to do with the help we’re getting through therapy/counseling but I also think he’s beginning to grow out of this phase a little as well. He’s cracking me up lately- cracking jokes, teasing and teasing back, being sarcastic (gotta have that sarcastic bone in this family!), and just all around being such a funny kid. I really enjoyed him today and we all around had a great day together.
This evening, after putting him in bed, he came downstairs to tell me Ryan needed me. He came back a minute later and said “Mom, Daddy said he really needs you. He has a really bad headache.” I asked him where he was and he said “Upstairs on your bed. Laying all crooked.” It just made me laugh. I took his hand as we walked to the stairs and picked him up to carry him upstairs, thinking to myself…. it won’t be long and he’ll be too big for me to carry him.
I went to tuck him into bed (again) and laid down with him to snuggle. I said to him… “What am I going to do when you grow up and I can’t pick you up and cuddle you anymore” He laughed and said “I don’t know… maybe I should stop eating so I stop growing!” We laughed a little and I told him I need to find a way to keep him 4 years old… and told him maybe I’d wrap him up so his skin won’t grow. We laughed and joked and cuddled and then he started to cry. He CRIED. I asked him what was wrong and he said he didn’t want to grow up and it made him so sad that he had to grow up. I felt terrible…. his bottom lip was out and he was quivering and sobbing that he didn’t want to grow up and it made him feel so sad.
So many times I forget how truly sensitive this kid is…. he seems to really take things to heart even though he has this rough and tumble personality. I tried to tell him all the great things about growing up and that seemed to calm him down.
But, honestly, I wanted to cry with him. I wanted to cry for the little baby he used to be… how I used to be able to hold him in my arms and hold him against my chest. I wanted to cry about how quickly the time seems to go lately, and how I seem to always take our days together for granted. I know it won’t be long… he’ll be running off to school and he won’t want to hold my hand anymore or give me hundreds of kisses and snuggles each day. I’m really going to miss that. It makes me wish there really were a Neverland where kids just wouldn’t grow up.