Thank you.

I just wanted to say thank you for all the kind words of encouragement and support from you guys.  I feel so stupid putting so many crazy thoughts out there, blatant and raw, but then I get this amazing amount of support from people who have been there and can reassure me that I’m not the only one who has ever felt this way.  Thank you.  From the bottom of my heart.

I remember going through times like this during my pregnancy with Porter, but never to this extent.  I hate feeling out of control of my emotions and feelings.  I hate feeling irrational and insane.  I’m going to talk to my ob doc when I go back on Jan 11th.  I know some
amount of weird emotions are normal in pregnancy, but my word I felt
like leaving my life and family and just dropping everything because
things felt so wrong.

Today was a better day.  I’m pretty darn sure Ryan is kissing butt big time, as he’s been super-husband all day.  Which is so nice for a change.  He used to be this way all the time.  I hate writing so many mean things about him because honestly he is a great husband and father.  It just seems like when I fall apart and need him the most are the time when he acts the most selfish and unsupportive and uninvolved. 

It’s Christmas Eve.  I’ve had a good day.  I had a minor meltdown when we visited Santa for the second time and Ryan took the picture horizontally instead of vertically (I’m serious.) and while I realized it was ridiculous to pout for 20 minutes over it, I still was fuming.  And after awhile I said frick screw it- its a damn picture.  We spent the day with Ryan’s family at his sister’s house in Dearborn.  We played Apples to Apples.  We ate yummy food.  Opened presents.  Had a great time together. 

The drive home sucked.  Black ice all over the highways.  We passed at least 5 separate accidents- people in the ditch.  One truck was turned over in the ditch.  We got off the highway to get away from the crazy drivers.  We seriously were going 25mph on a normally 70mph highway (where it is not odd to realize you’re driving 85mph just to keep up with traffic).   On the backroads we still drove 30mph approximately.  The roads were just horrible.  I decided to skip the Christmas Eve Candlelight fusion at church.  I am really bummed about it but it didn’t seem worth the risk of getting back on the roads in the condition they are in.  I’m sitting here listening to the Live PodCast on their website though, so I feel a little like I’m there with everyone. 

Anyhow, I just wanted to stop in and say thanks, and wish everyone a Merry Christmas.  I can’t wait to see Porter’s expressions in the morning when he opens his stocking and gifts.  Santa is bringing him a PlayHut complete with 150 play balls.  I forgot to post a video the other day, but I recorded Porter’s wish list this year.  It consists of "twucks" and "buw bozers" and "dump twucks" and "twactors" and "twailors" and " ‘ment mixers".  Yeah…. this kid has trucks on the mind. 

Merry Christmas.