Barfzilla, the Monkey and the Doctor’s Appointment from Hell

Today the boys had their well-baby visits… Porter’s 3 year and Hudson’s 9 month. Hudson is still sick…. he’s been attached to my hip for the past 2 days, super fricking cranky and each diaper change brings on a change of clothes as well as bedding. Not to mention the dryer fuse is blown so I can’t really wash laundry today until Ry picks up another fuse at Menards.

Their appointment was inconveniently scheduled for 2pm. That was all they had available so I said, sure…. not imagining I’d have a whiny toddler and a cranky ass baby on my hands all day. Throw in no afternoon nap and we’re a barrel of fun over here.

I managed to take a shower after 2 days of not showering (remember… baby attached to hip). I even got my hair dried, styled and makeup on. I even managed to put on cute heels, jeans and a sweater with accessories and felt, well, kinda cute today.

I found a 30% off coupon for Gap so I thought after the doctor’s appointment I’d brave the mall with 2 kids who will definitely not be acting themselves. I figured… Hey, let’s do it!

Double stroller in the back of the car? Check.
Kids dressed and diaper bag packed? Check.
Paperwork for Porter’s preschool to get filled out and signed? Check.
Coupon? Check.
New insurance card? Check.

We were even out the door on time. My friends, this does NOT happen around here that often.

We got to the doctor’s and Porter headed to the toys. I sat the bag down and Hudson promptly started spitting… puking up. Just a little bit. Caught it in my hand. Whew! Good save, mom!

I should have known.

We got signed in and I grabbed a few extra paper towels from the bathroom just in case.

HAHAHA! So funny, now that I think about it.

We had barely just sat down and he puked. And he puked. And puked and puked some more. I swear to God it was like 2 bottles coming up. I stood up and just…. stared. It was all down my shirt, down his shirt and pants (note to self… corduroys hold in vomit… when child is sick put on windpants), and all over my jeans and the floor.

Somehow I managed to clean it up… or rub it in or whatever the hell happened. It was a whirlwind of 5 minutes. And would you know, I didn’t bring an extra change of clothes for Hudson? I never do… I can’t think of a time I’ve ever needed a change of clothes other maybe when they were newborns. And this was the type of vomit that went through his jean jacket, t-shirt, long sleeve shirt AND onesie.

We got back to the room and were checked over by Brooke (the nurse). I joked that we reeked like vomit but really, was it a joke? No.

Strip them down to diaper/undies and socks.

Sure thing!

Then we waited. And waited. And waited and waited for like 15 minutes. Being trapped in an 8×10 (that might be generous) room with two nearly-naked children one of which is bouncing off the walls from no nap and the other that is making non stop whining-humming-cranking noises (you know, that incessant annoying WHINE!). What fun! What kind of test is this…. are they trying to see what kind of mother you are? How much patience you possess?

Doctor finally arrived and apologized. No problem. I’m never on time so I understand.

We discuss Hudson… everything is a-ok. Due for a shot and a hemoglobin check. Great.

As we’re talking we’re discussing how Hudson is such a different kid that what Porter is… as Porter is bouncing back and forth from the floor to the bench seat to the examination table. I halfway tell him a few times to pick a spot to sit and stop bouncing around but then I get back in converstation with the doctor about this and that and is he pooping and eating foods and sleeping through the night and still in a rear facing carseat blah blah… and of course Porter’s back at the seat shuffle again.

We lay Hudson down to peek in his ears and BAM!! Porter falls off the table and gets wedged inbetween the table and the wall. He starts screaming, Hudson starts screaming, the doctor (who was closest to Porter) yanks him up and tells him “That is why you don’t move around on the tables!” OMG. Let me die right now.

So Porter goes berzerk. He’s freaked out that he fell… he’s not hurt but scared. The doctor apologized for scolding him, but of course I don’t care one bit… he deserved it. I have 2 screaming kids and she begins to try to listen to Porter’s heart. He flips out.

Let me come back in a minute after you get them calmed down.

Sounds great!

Both kids are hanging on me, screaming. I’m about ready to pack up my naked children and run out the door. I made another bottle for Hudson… just what I need is more vomit but hey, it shut him up. Calmed Porter down and we proceeded with the appointment.

Anyone care to join me for a margarita tonight?

Porter: 29lbs and 35.75 inches
Everything was normal except she did find he has a slight heart murmur. She said it was nothing to worry about but she wanted to take note of it and keep an eye on it at his next appointment. Pretty normal for his age, and most kids outgrow it.

Hudson: 16lbs 14oz and 28 inches
Everything was normal other than he is falling off the curve for his weight. He hadn’t gained much weight since his last appointment so she wants to keep an eye on that and try to get an extra bottle down him each day. However, I think this probably has something to do with the fact that he hasn’t eaten in 2 days.

  1. I feel for ya…been there, done that except it was just with one kid. I hope the rest of your day goes better! p.s. My babies are 17 lbs. at 6 months – crazy!

  2. You are such a trooper!! You will probably have a good laugh about this…someday. I’d have a margarita with you…I’m already drinking wine tonight!!

  3. so i guess your day went downhill after i talked w/ you? sorry to hear it went the way it did. so, i am guessing you didnt make it to gap? 🙂 j/k. i would totally have a marg with you if I wasnt pregnant. I hope you were able to enjoy one…or five! hang in there….:) looking forward to tomorrow night!

  4. Holy crap sister, you deserve more than one margarita after that day! I think I would have been crying LOL And can I say that my chunker is closer to Porter’s weight than Hudsons? OMG! She’s about 26 lbs HAHAHA

  5. OMG…I feel for you. I can remember what it was like when my older two were young and I had to deal with them AND be pregnant with my third!! Kudos for not being one of ‘those parents’ who would get mad at the Doctor for speaking to their child like that and for keeping your cool about the whole situation!!

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