Motherhood… it isn’t really a big deal. No. Its a bunch of little irritating deals that make you want to jump off a mother effing bridge.
Working is a love/hate relationship. I love to work… I love my job, my co-workers, my time away from my kids. I hate being gone all day, I hate getting ready in the morning, trying to remember 50 million things as I rush out the door with 2 kids. I hate the guilt, the trying to spread myself thin…. putting effort into work and then turn around and do the same for my kids/family.
This morning was one of those mornings. I felt like I was in one of those game shows… or a reality game or something. The goal: To get to the finish line (work) on time. The catch? Get yourself plus two kids ready, work out, remember lunches, checks for daycare and preschool, feed the kids, let the dog out and combat any challenges, tantrums, messes and fights the kids throw in your way.
CHALLENGE #1: Child #1 is up and hungry and wants to play soccer outside. At 6am. In December.
Set child up with beloved Homeward Bound movie and some OJ. Tell him we’ll play soccer later.
Get in shower.
Begin to put on makeup.
CHALLENGE #2: Child #1 has to poop and is screaming to be wiped.
Back to putting on makeup.
Run to basement to find clothes.
CHALLENGE #3: Find Child #1 in Child #2’s room with a whistle.
Attempt to quietly remove Child #1, close bedroom door. FAIL. Remove whistle from Child #1.
CHALLENGE #4: Child #2 is up and fussy.
CHALLENGE #5: Child #1 is throwing a tantrum because he wants his whistle back and wants to go play soccer outside. In December.
Find truck to entertain Child #2, distract Child #1 from whistle by getting him dressed for preschool.
Oh yeah! Back to getting ready.
CHALLENGE #6: Child #1 running down hallway, cat meowing.
Call Child #2 over to discuss being nice to animals and relate to friendships and how he’d feel if his friends treated him that way.
Return to drying hair.
CHALLENGE#7: Child #1 using iPhone charger cord as a tow strap on truck.
Tell Child #1 to return cord to nightstand.
Return to drying hair.
CHALLENGE #8: #1 again using iPhone cord as a belt.
Spank Child #1 and put in time out.
CHALLENGE #9: Child #1 sliding down hallway, picking on Child #2.
Firmly, through gritted teeth, tell Child #1 to get back onto wall for time out.
Forget about earrings because I can’t find any.
Find outfit for Child #2. Find socks. Where did that iPhone go?
Change Child #2’s diaper.
CHALLENGE #10: Child #1 argues he doesn’t need to wear socks.
Lay down the law and put his socks on.
Throw leftovers in lunchboxes for lunch.
Shit, I didn’t put a water bottle in the freezer for today.
Ask Child #1 to put on shoes.
CHALLENGE #11: Child #1 complains he can’t find them.
They’re right by the counter!!!
CHALLENGE #12: Child #1 complains he can’t put them on.
Well, I guess you’ll stay home by yourself then.
Round up coats for everyone.
Deoderant! Put on deoderant.
Put coat on Child #2.
CHALLENGE #13: Child #1 says he’s hungry… didn’t have breakfast.
Give him a cup of dry cereal.
CHALLENGE #14: Child #2 now wants cereal too.
Give him a cup of dry cereal.
Take bags and lunches out to truck.
CHALLENGE #15: Child #2 now screaming because I left the house.
Finagle bags and cup of cereal and Child #2 and carry him to truck.
Shit… Child #2 doesn’t have shoes on.
Find Child #2’s shoes.
Tell Child #1 to get in his seat and get his arm straps on.
Buckle Child #2 into carseat.
Challenge #16: Child #1 still dinking around.
GET IN YOUR GOD DAMNED SEAT AND PUT YOUR FUCKING BUCKLE ON!’
Quickly turn and look to see if neighbors could have heard.
BEEEP BEEEEP BEEEPPPPP
Hahaha whew. I love your posts like this because I'm nodding my head and laughing to myself. Yup, that was this morning for me too. I also FAILED the game. Thankfully, we dont have neighbors close enough because it was WW3. But hey, you know, you made it to work and now you can breathe. 😉
LOL…I was stressed just reading that! I feel ya…But now I have THREE kids to get ready in the morning!
Sounds like your morning was just like mine. Good luck on the rest of your day.
Your post has me cracking up. My situation isn't as bad as yours yet, but we're getting there and we'll be there when Iris gets a little older. Oh boy…that's what I have to look forward to! I'm already screaming and pulling my hair out all day and the worst is yet to come….
I love your “frustrated parent” posts so much. I can soooo relate to them , but I'm not brave enough to post about everything, LOL.
I am cracking up right now! No wonder you didn't answer when I called this morning. hahaha. So, did you remember deodorant today?!
laugh out loud! especially the last one! Yell and swear and then look around and hope to god some neighbor is not standing there watching!! Very funny. I think we have all been there done that!!
Hahaha… I think my heart rate just went up by reading the story. Am I sure I want kids?
I failed today too. Looked around for the neighbours too. Glad to know I'm in good company.
oh god… I totally know the feeling and one of mine us only two months old! god forbid when they're both mobile, ahh!
Oh I LOVE hearing it all over again. Not that i get satisfaction out of it, but just love these mommy moments. I hope the rest of your day was better. Mine stunk it up even more. 😦