Start of something good

Everyone knows life has its ups and downs
one day you’re on top of world
and one day you’re the clown

well I’ve been both enough to know
that you do’nt wanna get in teh way when its working out
the way that it is right now

I know its gonna take some time
but I’ve got to admit
that the thought has crossed my mind
this might end up like it should….

I’m starting to believe that
this could be the start of something good.

Each night before I go to bed I think to myself…. I don’t have to go to work tomorrow.  I get to stay home with my babies.  I get to be my own boss.  And each day, as I blow a kiss to Porter as the school bus pulls away, as I snuggle Miss Amelia and chat with Hudson and pack up the van to go pick up Porter from school I think “I can’t believe this is my life right now.”

I really, truly can’t.

I never ever in my life imagined myself a stay at home mom.  And, while I am still technically working, I am pretty much that- a stay at home mom.  Its crazy to me.  Crazy that we’re trying this out.  Crazy that so far it’s working.  Crazy that something I thought was so unobtainable, something that I sat with my therapist a year ago crying over, is now my reality.  It just took a leap of faith.  A big leap of faith.

“I know its gonna take some time
but I’ve got to admit 
that the thought has crossed my mind
this might end up like it should…

I have a lot of work ahead of me…. I have a business to revamp, I need to get myself back out on the market (after taking 6+ months off during pregnancy/maternity leave) and make a name for myself once again.  I have faith, though, that this will work and that I don’t have to return to the work force outside of the home if I don’t want to.  I know there will be sacrifices.  I know that there are things we’re putting off for the time being (namely, paying on student loans… aaack.) but my babies are only babies for so long.  And it hurts my mama heart to think of them grown and not needing me anymore.  I want to freeze time.  I look at old pictures and I can’t believe my boys are not toddlers anymore.  I won’t get those years back.  Ever.  This is the only way I know to preserve time- to spend more with them.  I just hope and pray this is the right direction.

Today I contemplated my schedule.  I played legos with Hudson.  I blogged some memories.  I giggled with Amelia as she rolled around on the floor.  I responded to a few clients and facebooked a bit.  Hudson and I baked cookies.  I rocked my baby girl.  I worked on a project for the kids.  I watched my goofy boy ride his tractor.  I thought to myself as Hudson laughed and giggled with me today… I pray he remembers this. I pray he remembers the good days with me.  There are so many good days.  There are so many bad days, too. Days I feel defeated and feel like a failure.  Days I want to quit and run away.  But the good days, ohhh the good days.  The days that fill my heart with happiness until I feel like it will choke me.  I pray those are the days, the memories he keeps with him for always.

I’m not sure where things will go from here.  I know that I’m leaving my the ideal that I used to have for my life in the past.  I’m putting faith in this path that I’ve been put on.  I’m going to enjoy it.  I’m going to follow it to wherever it may lead. This time in my life right now, this new chapter that is beginning…. yes I believe it could be the start of something good.  Something real, real good.

  1. I think the most important thing is that you're at peace. You will not be happy all of the time. That is an unattainable goal. But, if you find peace in your choices, in what you are doing… then you are doing the right thing. You sound at peace in this post. I hope it continues.

  2. I totally agree. Great post. Some days are easier than others, but it is important that you take time to enjoy something each day. Something to be proud of. That you stop and take note of. That is the best part of being a SAHM – those little moments in time. Paid employment is always out there, but your babies are only needy for a short while. 🙂 Enjoy your day!

  3. It is so true- work will always be there. The babies will not. I wish I had attempted this leap a few years ago and really tried to make photography work instead of working at teh school. But, then again, I assumed my job would lead to a full time teaching position which was my/our goal and would financially have really been good for us. All in due time, I suppose. There will always be teaching jobs in teh future.

  4. Thank you, Nicki!! Yes, I feel very at peace right now. I know this road will definitely have its ups and downs, be it financially or mentally/emotionally. I hope I can continue to look at the positive.

  5. i'm so happy for you. just the things that you listed out that you did today with your kids … that is really what matters in this life. some have to work hard to carve that time out in a busy schedule, but being home allows you more flexibility. i'm sure there will be good and bad days … but they are all worth it. i also hope business is booming soon. you rock my socks off, so i'm sure it won't take long.

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