Arrived

Lately I’ve been reflecting on my life and role at home and in the workplace and my identity and all that fun stuff.  I was so worried when I quit my job that I’d really miss being able to call myself a teacher, to identify myself as a working woman- a working mother.  I do feel that way sometime, like when I meet someone new I often feel the urge to mention I’m not just a non-working mom…..  I have my degree.   I wanted to teach.  That my plan was always to be a working mom.  Really.  From the time I was in highschool thinking about colleg I always knew, thought, I’d be a work outside the home mom.  

But plans change.  Life changes.  Things get rearranged and it slowly starts to work out.

I always wanted to work so we would never have to live paycheck to paycheck.  Well news flash.  We always pretty much have.  Sure, we provide for the kids and we go on vacations and we don’t want for a whole lot but we also don’t have much savings (aside from rys 401k), I drive an older van, Ry drives a 7 year old truck and my student loans continue to accrue interest while the extra $$ is not there up pay on them.  I look back and think how I wanted so badly to work full time.  I wanted the income.  But I realize now that luckily we have never relied on a full time income from me, and that is allowing me this “freedom” to take on this new path. 

I worried that quitting my job was a bad choice.  That it was the wrong path to take.  That it wouldn’t be beneficial to our family.  That we would never be able to make it.  

I know I’m only a few weeks into this gig but so far, we are making it.  And while I still feel I have to explain my new role, I am slowly recognizing myself as an artist, a photographer. A work at home mom.  I’m still juggling.  I haven’t figured out how to get much work done during the day while Amelia is still so needy and still pull some late nights editing pictures.  My house always seems to be a disaster.   I still have sacrifices…. because I am now working primarily evenings/weekends I’m going to miss every single one of Porter’s football practices 😦   My paycheck consisted of selling random signs and artwork, which is slightly humiliating when I compare that to a “real” job-outside-the-home with bosses and clock-ins and benefits.  And to be honest, I’m not sure what the next few months hold and how things will work out during “slow season”.   But I’m going to have faith. 

It’s funny how it all seems to work out.  I recently found out that my position at the school had to take a pay cut.  On top of no benefits, no sick days or paid school days off, or pay during the summer.  And with Amelia needing full time day are there is no way it would have benefited us.  The puzzle pieces are slowly falling together as I see how So many “no’s”  have led me to this direction, a much better direction.  

I still feel silly considering myself an artist- a photographer.  But I know I will arrive.  I know through hard work and determination and faith and hope that this will work.  That this is the path I’ve been directed to.  That this can be my new identity and it will be okay.  That it is enough.