Nearly a decade and a half ago I started this blog, pre-kids, pre-facebook. Blogging was somewhat new and hip (is that word even used anymore), and at the time and wrote mostly about my random thoughts, funny things I found on the internet and daily ramblings. By the time I’d had the boys, it had morphed into my journal- chronicling daily struggles as a young mom and my random vents, and penning down my heartfelt words to my babies. It built a community of friends among other moms, many of whom are still friends of mine to this day.
Somewhere around the time Amelia was born in 2012 my focus shifted from this blog. I’m not sure what caused it. Was it going from 2-3 kids and life was more chaotic? Was it the change in careers… going from teaching and photography to network marketing and running a successful business that relied heavily online? Was it the fact that I was older and just burnt out on words to share? Was it because Facebook took over and provided more instantaneous response from readers? I’ll probably never pinpoint what shifted, though it was slow and gradual. Many days I regret the lack of journaling I did for the girls. If you read back from 2006-2010 or so you’ll find so many little stories and memories about the boys… but the girls have little to nothing. Cue ridiculous amount of mommy guilt, as if we don’t have enough of that just trying to keep kids alive. Amiright?? Whatever it was, here I am. 2019. And I’m firing this bad boy back up.
Except. It feels really different.
It’s funny… I remember trying to encourage friends and family to blog back in the day, and them telling me “they had nothing to write about”…. and I was like “write about anything!” and now… here I am… saying to myself “What do I have to say that other people want to read about?” I’m in such a different place in life now, and I feel stuck. Isn’t that crazy? Years ago, I could freely channel all those thoughts from my brain down through my fingertips and lay it all out on this blog. My heart. My feelings. My thoughts. My frustrations. My celebrations. All of it.
But now… I feel like there’s this screen in my brain that tells me… no… you can’t talk about that. You can’t share that. That might be embarrassing. That might embarrass your kids. That’s a little negative and probably isn’t something your readers can “learn” from. That might make people think differently of you. That might be different than how someone else’s view and that might make some people not like you. What if your kids’ friends parents read this and form an opinion of you. What if your kids FRIENDS read this. What if your kids friends read this and pick on them because of things I write?
What the hell is this in my brain, for real?
I have spent the past couple months trying to analyze this. Is it because I’m older, and- I’d like to think a little wiser- about what I share publicly? Is it because my job has created a bit of a spotlight within my business and our company for me, no matter how much I try to stay under the radar and just do my job and serve my people, my name is still somewhat known and people still look up to me? Is it because I know more about branding yourself online for my business and my blog doesn’t really fit into the perfect storybook life that most people in my industry portray on their blog and Instagram? Is it because I have a teenager and pre-teen and I know that at some point they’ll be online and probably read this (though I can’t imagine reading mom’s blog comparing to YouTube shit and video games)? Is it because a lot of the things I want to write involve my kids and sometimes I just need to vent but once you have teens they’re like real human people and that whole “if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all” probably rules in these situations?
Whatever it is… I haven’t quite figured it out and am pretty sure is a hard mix of all of the above. I’m slowly dipping my toes in the water (if this isn’t a 180* from Nicole in 2006 I don’t know what is. I used to cannonball into all the things, worry free. What has happened to me?) and attempting to find my little corner here again on the internet. I’m slowly expermenting with sharing parts of my life again, more in depth than what you’re going to read on Facebook or Instagram.
Social media has changed so much in the past decade. Now, blogging and social media is all about scripting your life around a product you are getting paid for. And I get it, sort of. I’m in network marketing and I get paid to educate people about products I love… but I can’t do that scripted shit. You won’t find a perfectly stylized Instagram over here. I can’t portray my life as a fairytale online during times when I’m feeling anxious or depressed or not liking my kids or husband very much or feeling like a failure in life. (You’ll notice times I’m quieter online… yep. I have nothing to say but what’s on my heart and often those dark spots are too scary to share with people let alone publicly, so instead of a facade, I retreat and go silent).
What I do know that I don’t want this to be a cherry picked place where you come here and wonder why your life isn’t as perfect as mine (because let me tell you.. there is no perfect over here. Most days it’s a shit show. It’s my shit show though, so… ya know) . It’s weird going from a “share anything” writer to one that knows there needs to be a filter, but still wants to be real, and yet kind of feels like they have nothing to say that people want to hear. It’s going to take a little time to figure out my groove and figure out how much is comfortable (safe) to share and how to still be myself, to still be real and relatable, to struggle and not have all the answers, but still share content that is worthwhile to readers but still keep some of that dirty laundry still tucked into my laundry basket, know what I mean? So… hang with me. I’m still emerging and learning how to navigate blogging in 2019, while going against the status quo of affiliate links and stylized stories. I’m looking forward to this ride.